I hope you've had a wonderful Christmas, Harini. I'm happy you're with so much of your family right now. I feel like getting to be around big family energy is what you live for! I hope you're cherishing it.

I can't believe we're going skiing/snowboarding next weekend! I want you to like it so that you'll be excited to go again someday. Worst case scenario, we can just hang out in the lodge and drink hot chocolate. But doing that is a lot more comfy & cozy after a full day on the slopes. I'm still not sure if we should start you out with skiing or snowboarding first. Regardless, it will be a memorable trip.

You told me you're in NAPA today! It's so beautiful up there. I'm super curious if you decided to drink with your family or not! I'm excited to hear about all the shenanigans. Your cousins better be nicer to you this time!

Ok I gotta get back to playing with my nieces & nephews now.🫡 Bye bye.

one of my fav photos of you

If you want to count it, this is like our 2nd trip ever, including Colorado!

I had a really good time with you going to the Monterey Aquarium. We saw the giant tank, which was really cool. We got pretty high by the time we got to the jellyfish. You were so excited to see the jellyfish, and I was so excited to see you excited. And then we discovered that dome-shaped area with the interesting acoustics! That was a fun & hilarious little discovery.

To be honest, my favorite part might have been our Taco Bell stop. Part of it is because I knew it was the start of the adventure. And part of it is because it was just an unexpected and funky little place. We got an amazing view, and I got some of the best photos of you ever. (an even better view)

Your clam chowder bread bowl was so good! If we ever made our way there again, I'd love to just get that alone. So tasty. And I've thought about that Ghirardelli Sunday since. It hit.

I know you're home now, and I hope you're feeling cozy around family. I'm sorry if I made you feel stressed or overwhelmed last night when we were texting about us. I don't want to put more pressure on things than their needs to be. I did that when we were first dated, and I won't make that mistake again. But I also don't want you to feel like you're making the wrong choice. I can tell you're still really scared, and I'm sorry for that.

I'll say the same thing I keep saying—I'm here for you no matter what. I support your feelings, your decisions, and your needs. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not going to stop loving you. If you want to talk about it more, I'm here—whether that's taking steps back or towards each other.

I hope you don't think about it all too much right now and enjoy time with your family.

us at the Monterey Aquarium

giaaaant tank

your favs

paying for parking

one of my favs ever

you were done with it haha

your warm bread bowl!

I left your warm hug & smile behind this morning. It made me really happy.

I know you don't want to carry a situationship in 2025, and I hear you that you don't feel ready to be in a relationship with me. So if that means you'd like to take a step back, hangout less, talk less, stop being intimate, or anything else, I understand. I'll still be here for you, no matter what.

I don't care if I have to be alone and celibate all of 2025. You're the only person I want to be with. I won't stop rooting for you, supporting you, or loving you. I won't stop rooting for us, either. I'll only stop if you ask me to.

I enjoyed making dinner for you and eating with you last night. I've got a lot more recipes up my sleeve, so I hope we can do it again sometime.

can u see the massive bay leaf

making the chicken tender for u

your fav fluffy rice

yum yum for both of us

You shared your three goals for 2025:
1. Figuring out your love life
2. Being on track for Principal PM
3. Making friends you genuinely like

I want to support you in all of these goals, in ways that truly help you and make you feel good.

For your first goal, I want to prioritize what you need. Whether that means being a friend, a partner, or just someone to listen, I’m here. If we end up together, I’d love to be the kind of partner who makes you feel supported and valued. If not, I hope I can still help you understand what you need in a relationship. Either way, your clarity and happiness matter most.

For your second goal, you’re already amazing at what you do, and I know you’ll get there. If it helps, I’d love to be your sounding board—whether that’s brainstorming ideas, coworking, or just staying up late to support you during crunch times. I want to make your path easier, even if it’s something small like reminding you to take care of yourself with water, snacks, or exercise.

For your third goal, I think this is where I can really help. Building community is something I love, and I’d love to introduce you to people who make you feel like yourself. If it feels right for you, maybe we can join forces to host more and build that circle together. I think it could be a beautiful way to strengthen all your relationships, including ours if that’s where we’re headed.

I know things feel overwhelming right now—work, us, and everything else on your plate. I don’t want to add to that. I’ll try my best to step back and give you the space you need.

I hope you’re having a peaceful, joyful time with your family this weekend. I’m thinking of you and rooting for you, always.

a fav, stolen from you

love your new coat!

and your new bows :)

You just dropped me off at the house, and I miss you already. I didn't want to leave your side, today. The day felt so special and I wanted to hold onto it for as long as I could.

We started the day with a cozy morning at the house. As much as I was excited to go to Monterey with you, I really enjoyed sleeping in with the rain and then going to the Mill Valley Public Library with you. And our little drink & appetizer pitstop at the Corner Bar in Mill Valley was so cozy and fun. I'm sorry I started crying at the bar. I couldn't help myself.

Last night was also really special—getting high with you is the best! We cut up and made so many innapropriate jokes. I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime while high. I really hope you had fun with Zena & Karim and at the SF Symphony. I was seriously impressed at your ability to eat the spicy chicken sandwich without batting an eye. Your spice tollerance is top notch. I'll have to step up my game to make sure I can keep up with you.

So many thoughts after this week with you, and so many thoughts as the year comes to a close.

The other night I asked if I could marry you. I know it seemed crazy, but I mean it. I want to marry you. I wouldn't want to date you if I didn't want to marry you. And I know you want to be married and have a family soon, too. I don't want to rush you but I also don't want to waste your time. I think when I said that, part of me was trying to convey that to you.

You're so special to me, Harini. Given the chance, I will ask you that question many more times. I promise the big question will be more special than the one I asked you the other night. I would go all out for it, and I would make sure you're ready for it. I would also do it multiple times because why not? I badly wish we could get on with being partners and building our life together. Make new friends together, go to new places, crush work together, sneakily meet your parents disguised as forgetting a package, go look at apartments together sometime in the next year or two if you wanted, be naked together more, take baths, let me cook for you. All the things.

Whatever role (or not) you allow me to have in your life, I think so highly of you and I want the absolute best for you. I wish you many more raining mornings in bed with someone you love and many more Mill Valley Library afternoons. I know that you're going to have that and so much more.

loved our hats

you lit up in the library

Equator w/you is always special

i'll never buy an Android

cutie

two cuties

four cuties

Big adventure weekend #1 is down in the books! From a big birthday night partying until 4am, to a cozy day at Zena's baby shower, to a day full of brunch, coworking, pasta, and making new friends.

Pretty good weekend if you ask me.

You looked absolutely stunning on your birthday. I was so happy to see you surrounded by friends and getting to dance and have fun. I did find it strange what happened to your friend struggling on the side of the street, and no one seemed to want to help her. I'm still not sure what to make of that. Nonetheless, it was an awesome night. Oh yeah we saw the Tech Bro Show guys!

Zena's baby shower was incredibly special, too. I like how we accidentally matched. Also, we tried making a motion to leave a couple times but kept getting pulled back in. I wasn't upset about it—being there was fun and comfy and cozy. I'm still thinking about that food as well as sitting the fire with you.

Sunday was a great day, too. We had a nice morning together, and you had two friends intiate with you that day, which I know is something you've so badly wanted. I really hope it continues for you.

I will say, Saturday night and Sunday morning were a bit rough for me. Laying next to you in bed hearing you cry was really hard. You didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want to push you. I knew somehow I had hurt you, or at lesat something I did reminded you of past hurt. I'm sorry for that.

The next morning you opened up a little bit, and I'm really grateful for it. I know it's probably really hard to talk about things with me, and even harder to feel like you can trust me. I'm sure you feel extremely torn and scared. I hope you know that I'm still here for you.

One of the things that made me most sad is hearing that you don't think you'll ever love someone like this again. Don't get me wrong, I very much think that our love is special. But I also don't want you to believe what you're feeling right now—that you'll never love someone like this again.

If you trust anything from me, trust me when I say that you are capable of that. The last thing I want is for you to settle for me because you think you can't experience that degree of love again. Choosing me for that reason would be a mistake and won't make you happy. I'm saying all this because I care about you and I want you to be happy.

Speaking of being happy, we've got another big weekend of adventures ahead, hopefully this time with a bit more rest & relaxation in store for you. I'm excited to see you again and spend more time with you. I hope it'll remain somewhat a surprise for you, although I'm afraid I might have hyped it up too much. We'll see!

You brought me dumplings this evening, and I'm super grateful. I'm not feeling well and didn't sleep much last night because I stayed up until 4am coding. Your dumplings saved me. They were SO yummy.

I know you had a stressful day, so I'm sending happy wishes & prayers your way. I hope you have a good night's sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. I'm really proud of you and all that you do. You're going to make it.

PS: The photos from the weekend that I like are the ones that probably seem most mundane to you. The kind of photos that you'd probably never want me to put on Instagram, but they make me smile.

watching you get ready

dancing with you!

smooch

you are so beautiful

loved watching you open these

excited for your new yoga straps!

pic of you taking a pic

Tomorrow is your birthday party! I'm excited for you. I know it's not necessarily the crew you want to celebrate with, but that's why we're going out afterward and also why I'm planning something special for you next weekend!

I can't wait to see you and celebrate with you tomorrow. I hope you'll excuse me if this post is a bit short. Today was a long day, and I'm feeling sick. I'm going to bed early tonight.

I'll leave you with this photo of you sitting on me.

:)

Don't be sad, Harini!

This morning you were telling me about how seeing your friends in thriving relationships can sometimes make you sad for yourself. I badly want to tell you that I think you have no reason to be sad. You are going to be in a thriving lifelong relationship, no matter what.

You only have to find one person who is right for you, and you will. You're insanely smart, beautiful, successful, and funny. As I've said before, I am not worried about you at all.

You're going to find someone who is perfect for you, and if even if they're not perfect (every relationship haha), you're going to have the grit to make it work.

I still do hope I'm that person for you, but again I realize that there's a very real chance that you might not get to a point where you're ready to be with me. And that's completely okay.

I'm still here for you. Just hoping I can make your day special.

smile harini!

Feeling cozy with you this morning.

Ok, so I keep having this recurring day-dream that I want to own hot cars with you. We could be like the Zuckerbergs and have matching cars. I know we both want a Rivian and a Tesla. Maybe we also get a third car that's a little more fun, like a Porsche or a Lamborghini.

Three cars is a good amount, right? haha. I guess we better make a lot of money. Honestly, I think we're on our way.

You're so good at what you do, and I'm so proud of you. I enjoyed listening to you on the phone with your team yesterday. You're a natural leader and you're born to be a Product Manager (and more).

If we're gonna be together then I guess we better figure out how to sleep well together. We seem to get overheated and wake up a bunch when we sleep together. I'm sure we could figure it out eventually.

driving Xiao's porsche

Had this thought on the plane today… You’re one of the rare people I know who seems genuinely happy within yourself, without needing constant activity or external stimulation. It’s something I deeply admire about you. A lot of people rely on travel, socializing, or distractions to feel okay, but you’re different. You seem to find joy in simply being—in spending time with family, being at home, or even just in your own company.

I think that kind of self-sufficiency and inner contentment is rare, and it probably explains why you’re able to draw so much meaning from the things you work on. Hard work often requires sitting alone for hundreds, even thousands of hours, and not everyone has the ability to stay motivated and fulfilled through that. But you do, and I wonder what’s shaped that part of you—whether it’s something you got from your parents, your meditation practice, or just the way you’ve always been.

It’s something I’m trying to understand more about myself, too. I think my homeschooling years taught me how to be okay on my own, though my extroverted side naturally pulls me toward people. I’ve learned to balance the two, but I think the kind of calm and groundedness you have is different. It’s inspiring, and honestly, really cool.

The following photo might be the closest I've been to actually meditating.

i like being on the floor with you

Today might be the final day I’ll ever spend with my uncle. I’m sitting here beside him, taking a moment to breathe, reflect, and gather my thoughts. He’s been a rock-solid presence in my life—one of my earliest memories is of him as the hero of our family.

I can see in his eyes a mixture of emotions. He’s happy to have us all here, yet there’s a deep sadness beneath it all—an awareness of the weight of these moments. He’s always been the one who brought us together, the one to close every Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with a heartfelt speech. Even though he and his wife had the least financially among us, they gave the most—time, energy, love, acts of service, and gifts. I couldn’t have asked for a better role model when it comes to family.

Thinking about him naturally brings my thoughts back to you, Harini.

You’re another role model of mine when it comes to family. Your love and dedication to them inspire me endlessly.

I’ve seen it in the way you prioritize their well-being, even in the smallest decisions. When you were looking at investment homes in the Bay Area, you made sure the layout would be comfortable for your family, so they could live there one day and your mom wouldn’t strain her foot. You invested $15,000 to remodel their backyard—not for your own gain, but because it would bring them happiness. Earlier this year, when your dad was in India, you stayed with your mom and brother, just to keep them company. You FaceTime your mom daily, and if you miss a call, you worry something might be wrong.

I talk about these things often because they amaze me. On the outside, they seem courageous, but I know from the inside they come with sacrifices—sacrifices you make out of love. It reminds me of a moment in Crazy Rich Asians when Rachel compliments Nick’s mom on building such a beautiful family. The mom replies, “It’s a privilege… But it’s also a responsibility. You know, your happiness is just a small part of something greater. You Chinese girls understand that. Westerners always think about their own happiness.”

That scene sticks with me. The film leans toward Western ideals of individualism while nodding to the importance of family. I’m still figuring out how to strike that balance myself—between the adventurous life I want to live and the responsibility I feel toward my family, to bring happiness and respect to their lives.

You, Harini, are a constant reminder of what it looks like to honor both. You inspire me to dream of finding that balance together.

I’ll always push you to chase your dreams because I know how deeply you care about your work and how incredibly capable you are. At the same time, I’m on a new mission these days: to bring my own family together, to be a force for good in their lives, and to provide for them the way my uncle always did.

With you, I feel like I can learn how to hold both dreams in harmony—the life I want for myself and the life I want to build for others.

i like to savor this memory

I’ve been thinking more about your question, especially since I know you’re feeling overwhelmed. You told me you don’t know what to do, and I want to say that’s completely okay. I think the plans I made and the tension with your friends might be adding to that, and I’m sorry if it’s made things harder for you. I understand, and I want you to know that your peace is the most important thing to me.

If I were to answer your question again, imagining I was talking to my daughter, here’s what I’d say: If you’re not excited about him, that’s okay. Step away and give yourself the time and space you need—whether it’s a month or a year, or however long it takes—to be your best self, free from any pressure. If it’s meant to be, it’ll still be when you’re ready, and it’ll happen on your timeline. Taking that space will help you find clarity and happiness, regardless of what happens.

I hope that came off as less biased than my last essay-of-an-answer haha.

I know you might worry about how I’d react if you decided to step away, and I just want to reassure you: I’ll respect whatever decision you make. If you need space, I’ll back off, no questions asked. You can say the word any time. I won’t act like I did last time—I’ve learned from that, and I’ve prepared myself to handle this differently. You’ll never have to choose between being my friend and something else again. I’ll still be here to support you however I can, no matter what.

I genuinely want you to feel at peace. I don’t want you to feel any pressure, and I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t. I believe in you completely—whatever decision you make, I know you’re going to live an extraordinary life and find someone amazing, whether that’s me or not. You shine brighter than you realize, and I hope you always remember that.

For now, I’m just excited to spend some time with you when I get back to SF. It’s been a while since we’ve planned anything, and I think you’re going to love what I’ve got planned for the 14th. No pressure—just a chance to have some fun together.

chillin with you

At the end our lives, I think we'll probably look back and feel like 5-10 people had the most significant impact on our lives. I think even if our story ends soon, you'll still be one of them.

It's hard to put my finger on it, but you've had a big impact on me. Creating a new life in SF with you was one of the best decisions I've made. Your views on life, work, and relationships have changed me in ways I can't fully express. I'm so thankful for you.

I'm confident that no matter what, you'll always have been such a positive influence on me. I feel I've learned so much from you and your family, even though I've never met them. Your views and actions are an extention of theirs, and so I feel like I've seen a glimpse of them through you.

The way you prioritize family is something I admire deeply. It even came up during my time with my uncle today. I was so thankful for time with family, and I really tried my best to be present and soak in every moment.

I know you're with family now, and I hope you have a wonderful time with them. I hope you can forget about the pressures of life for just a little while. I hope that with whatever time I have with you, I can put a smile on your face.

Happy thanksgiving, Harini. I miss you.

i love seeing you like this

my single taco

your three tacos

Harini, more than anything, I just want you to be happy. Seeing you smile or hearing you laugh lights up my day, and I’d do anything to make that happen. So don’t be surprised if I find new ways to make you smile—I can’t resist trying.

Your question yesterday, about what I’d do if you were my daughter, really stayed with me. It’s a powerful question, and I’m grateful you asked it. I take these things seriously, and I’m always here to talk through whatever is on your mind. I hope you’ll keep challenging me, even testing me if you need to. You deserve certainty, and I want you to feel completely sure. No matter what you decide, I will support you, fully and unconditionally.

Of course, I’m still hopelessly biased—I care so deeply for you and want to fight for us. But your feelings come first. You should be with someone who excites you, makes you feel safe, respected, and happy—everything you deserve.

Every moment I get to talk with you feels like a gift. I hope I can keep finding little ways to make you feel cherished. Your birthday is coming up, and I can’t stop thinking about what might make it special for you. Let’s just say I have a few ideas, but I’ll leave you to wonder for now.

As I sit on this flight to Miami, I keep wishing you were here. It would be so nice to travel together someday. We’ve never been on a plane together, but I often imagine what it’d be like: Your head resting on my shoulder, drifting off to sleep. I’d make sure you had a cozy blanket or jacket and whichever seat you prefer—window or aisle, it’s yours. And I’d just be sitting there, soaking in the moment, feeling lucky to have you by my side.

it's the little things

Yesterday was one of those days at Recess—stressful but exhilarating. Big meetings with lead investors, nonstop calls with friends and advisors, and at one point, I had to help hold the line on a call with our biggest check offer. I was skeptical of them and told them that directly. I also bluffed about better offers we had. (It worked.)

Through all of that, part of what made the day manageable—maybe even enjoyable—was talking to you. You kept me calm and focused, and I didn’t have to filter anything. I could just tell you everything, knowing you’d get it. Not just because you’re smart and know startups and finance, but because you have your own sharp opinions. That’s rare, and it’s something I deeply value.

It felt good to have you in the loop, not just as a sounding board but as someone I trust in all of this.

I was reflecting on why collaborating with you on life means so much. There are countless reasons, but yesterday, something specific hit me. It reminded me of my childhood—and I promise this will make sense.

You being so good at finance? It feels like home. My family (parents, aunts, uncles) are all grounded in finance & business. For as long as I can remember, people came to my dad for advice on investing, taxes, even LLC structures. I grew up overhearing conversations about IRS codes and commercial real estate deals at the dinner table. My uncles, aunts, and grandparents all either had accounting backgrounds or ran their own businesses.

So when you talk about money or startups, it gives me the same sense of security and warmth I felt growing up. It reminds me of how safe and cared for my parents made me feel, and maybe that’s just another reason why you being in my corner feels so natural.

I know yesterday might’ve felt like just another string of texts to you, but this week is pivotal for Recess—and for me. Sharing it with you made all the difference.

PS: You have beautiful feet.

outer sunset coworking

Few people truly understand what product management is, let alone what makes someone great at it. But anyone who’s worked with you knows you’re exceptional. You pursue excellence at the highest level, and it shows in everything you do.

The way you navigate leadership and product at your job is inspiring. You’ve mastered the art of handling corporate politics, and everyone loves collaborating with you—because you make things happen. If someone doesn’t, let’s be honest, it’s probably because they can’t keep up with your pace!

I can't wait to see you as a manager. I think you're going to crush it, and I'm going to learn a lot from you. You already have the qualities of a great leader, and it’s exciting to imagine all the people who will grow under you. You seem to have a way of lifting others up while driving for results.

Last night, as I talked about product with this new acquaintance, Rochelle, I couldn’t help but feel proud. So many people aspire to be great PMs, but you are one of the best. When I hear “fin-tech,” I know exactly who to point people toward—someone who’s not only brilliant but also truly cares about the products and people she works with.

Senior PM is just the beginning for you. I’m in awe of what you’ve already accomplished and can’t wait to see the incredible leader you’ll become. You already are one.

your ai shirt!

I loved hearing you talk about your rings last night. It reminded me of how much I appreciate your style—your choice of gold feels so you and accentuates the warmth you radiate.

When you mentioned wanting to buy a Mejuri ring, it struck me how much thought and care you put into surrounding yourself with things that reflect love and beauty. I hope, someday, I can add to that in a way that feels meaningful to you.

I’ve never really bought jewelry for anyone outside my family, so the idea of sharing that moment with you feels special. It would be an honor to share in what makes you happy.

I found this live photo of our hands from that coworking space in the Mission—the one we visited with James and Erin. Do you remember? We were touching a soft cactus together, and I noticed the gold rings on your fingers. It made me smile.

touching cacti

It’s 8:14am, and I’m laying next to you right now. You’re asleep, and it’s pouring rain outside. There is literally no where else I’d rather be right now and no one else I’d rather be next to.

You are my favorite person in the whole world.

I’m just up working on my phone sending emails to investors. I didn’t tell you this, but this weekend is the most pivotal weekend in the entire fundraise for Recess. The meeting I mentioned is one of the final ones to get a lead check from a large fund that invested in companies like Lyft, Square, Palantir, Instacart, and more. I was up late last night because I wanted to make sure you had a ride & food, and while I waited I coded a lit AI feature demo which I’m now emailing to those investors haha. Also I moved the meeting to tomorrow morning so that we can sleep in.

Anyway, I’m so glad I got to welcome you back to SF. You make me smile.

----- added later today -----

Wow. Today with you was my favorite part of thanksgiving week. I know that already, even though the week hasn’t even gone by yet.

Harini, I know you might feel scared right now—scared to open up, scared I might hurt you again. But I promise you, with everything I have, that you won’t be hurt by me ever again. I swear on my life that things are different this time. Completely different.

Neither you nor anyone else has seen this side of me before—the part of me I’ve kept guarded until I was certain I’d found the right person. The part of me that would sacrifice anything for someone else.

I hope you'll just keep being as open and vulnerable as you feel ready to be, on your own timeline. I’ll be here for you, loving you and lifting you up whenever you let me.

It may have taken me a moment to “flip the switch,” but I truly believe that everything in my 30 years of life has prepared me to be the person you need. And I will do everything in my power to live up to that—to make you smile and give you the love you deserve.

A couple hours ago I told you I love you, and I meant it. But I also walked away a little worried that I might have said it too soon. Only because I don't want you to feel like you have to reciprocate that love. And for some reason I have this idea that if we were to ever date again, that I want there to be a moment you can point to that you can remember, like me asking you explicitly to be my girlfriend or at least having some sort of conversation about it.

Honestly, I want a moment like that for us, too. We should both feel confident going into this, and I just want every part of it to feel different than it did before. I'm not sure exactly when that moment should be because I want things to be on your timeline, but I do want that moment to exist. I'm trying to let you drive here, and so I hope you don't mistake that as me trying to avoid something explicit. I'm trying to strike a tricky balance here haha. But you deserve the best.

I know you may not feel ready now or ever, but I'm still committed to being here for you. You don't have to reciprocate that commitment, and you don't have to love me back. I'm still prepared for this to go any way you want it to. (even though I badly badly badly want us to work out haha)

sleepy sleep :)

coworking again

You're coming back to SF today!

It might seem silly, but just knowing you'll be back in the city again makes me so happy. I can't wait to hear all about your trip, if you want to share.

That's all, today. I hope you have a safe flight back.

PS: Yesterday after the YC interview:
- Ben: "I would give up a YC offer for $3M"
- Me: "I would give up a YC offer to go on a date with Harini"

wings together!

Today is the YC interview. I love that we both got to do this at least once.

I should be probably be prepping more for YC, yet here I am thinking more about which YC events I could bring you to or whether you’ll come to Demo Day with me, if we got in. I care a hell of a lot more about these things than getting into YC.

I would happily give up a YC offer just so I could take you on a date someday.

It was a lot of fun watching you prep for YC. You're so freaking good at what you do. Seriously, you're a kill haha. I think you had it a lot harder because you had to go from 0 to 1 in weeks instead of having worked on something for a year already. I feel very lucky that I got to learn from your experience doing it.

I had a brief call with Jayme last night. He asked about you and how we’re doing. He still thinks you could’ve kept going with your idea and built something. But I told him you’re also doing exceptionally well now, too—you’re a senior PM working on really cool stuff!

I’m so proud of you, Harini. I still brag about you any chance I get.

miss working with ya

From the start, we’ve shared an incredible amount in common—values, interests, even dreams for the future. Our first date set the tone for what became countless hours of deep conversations about everything: startups, marriage, kids, and beyond. We’ve always connected over the small things, too—our shared love for hot pot, wings, and rice dishes. Our values align so naturally that we’ve even envisioned similar lives in the same places, driving the same cars, building something meaningful together.

But what’s always felt most special to me is how easy it is to grow with you. If your interests evolve, I want to evolve alongside you. If something excites you, I want to find joy in it too—not because of the activity itself, but because it matters to you. You always did such an incredible job of taking an interest in whatever I was interested in. You really set an incredible example for me, and I want to reciprocate that back to you.

I noticed you’ve been picking up reading more lately. Honestly, it’s something I’ve wanted to get back into myself. So, I decided to give A Court of Thorns and Roses a try—I downloaded it last night and started reading. It’s new territory for me, but I think it would be so much fun to be able to follow along and talk about it with you. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I realize I’m not in the position to ask this, but I can’t help wishing we had a shared hobby again. Climbing with you was such a big, beautiful part of my life. I’d welcome that—or something else—back in a heartbeat. Those moments together felt irreplaceable.

"but we understood each other"

On my flight back to SF, I sat next to a guy named Max—an older engineer-turned-VC living in the South Bay with his family. At first, we talked tech, but the conversation shifted to life, marriage, and his two kids.

Max shared something he learned from his wife’s parents: in a great relationship, both people do more for the other than for themselves. One person doing that is special; two people doing it is rare. He admitted it took him longer to figure this out than his wife. She led with selflessness from the start, and when he caught up, it transformed their relationship.

He also shared that hard work isn’t something you aim to minimize in a relationship—it’s what you take on because you love someone.

These two pieces of wisdom stayed with me.

Harini, I know you don’t want someone to have to lose you to learn these lessons. But the truth is, I wouldn’t have realized this without you. Your love, patience, and the way you lead with care has been my guide. I know the start of our story hasn't been easy, but it's shown me what matters most. Because of you, I know I've flipped the switch, and I've fully given myself to you.

Before, when I was trying to "win you back," I was missing the point. Big gestures aren't what make love work. What matters is simply being there for you in the ways you need most. And whatever that looks like—whatever it evolves into—I'm here for it.

No timelines. No conditions. Whether it’s as your friend or as something more, I’m here to make your life better in every way I can. My only wish is that you feel the kind of love Max described—the kind that transforms a relationship into a lifetime partnership.

I’ll follow your timeline, always—not just now because we're broken up. And however much time I get with you, I’m grateful for all of it. I just want to make you smile, in whatever way I can.

I’m so excited for you to be in NYC! I hope you make some amazing memories, and I can’t wait to hear all about them when you’re back.

I’ll admit, I’ve felt a bit wistful knowing you’re off on this particular big adventure without me. I would have loved to see your face light up at all the incredible things the city has to offer and to join you on some unexpected escapades. But that’s not on you—it’s your time to soak it all in, and you deserve to have the most incredible trip, whether I’m there or not.

New York is such a vibrant place, and I’m sure it’s full of surprises waiting for you. And even though you’re there now, it’s only one city in a huge world. I know there's room for new and unexpected adventures, wherever they might be. The thing I love about spending time with you is that every moment feels like its own little adventure, no matter where we are or what we’re doing. I know it might be hard to believe now, but I believe that, if given the chance, we could create new memories that completely top anything we’ve done before.

You mentioned once how devastated you’d feel if Avani moved to NYC. It made me think about how I’d feel if you decided to move there. I would also feel devastated if you left for NYC. Of course, I’d support you no matter what, but I definitely want you to stay. If you do move, I hope you'll let me visit you.

I've been thinking a lot about how you've not had the friends you want in SF, and I will literally do everything in my power to make sure you find good friends. Maybe I should sit at The Interval and strike up conversations with everyone until I find the right people for you.

At the least, I committed being the best friend you can possibly have, if you'll have me. I'm committed to this mission irrespective of where you live. I know you may not feel the same way, but you’ve become such an important part of what makes SF feel like home for me. And I just want you to feel like you're at home, too, no matter where you are.

All that said, honestly, I’m so happy Avani’s there to show you around—she’s the perfect guide. (Though I think I could give her a run for her money on sheer adventure haha) Enjoy every moment, Harini. You deserve it.

PS: Here's a little memory from our own bar-hopping in the outer sunset.

bar hopping in outer sunset

Because of your mom and you, I’ve learned to always wash the rice when I cook.

When I bring you food on Wednesdays, I start fresh. I rinse the rice in water, mixing it gently with my hands. Then I drain it carefully and repeat a couple of times.

I probably should add a third rinse—the water still looks a little cloudy at the end.

It’s funny how small habits like this stick. Looking back, there are so many little ways you’ve influenced me, probably without realizing it.

I know I didn’t always listen well—I can be as stubborn as you about random things. But your intentions were always good, and you’ve helped me pick up better habits.

So thank you for your influence—even in the little things.

Lion St. steps w/you

Today, I saw several Austin friends who are now in later stages of life. Many are living with their partners in beautiful homes or apartments, and some are even having kids or making long-term plans—like moving to Australia.

Hearing about all of this made me unbelievably happy, but it also left me feeling melancholic for two reasons.

First, I realized how much my friends here are continuing to deeply invest in each other’s lives. A new baby is born, and friends are stepping in to babysit and play huge roles in that child’s life. It’s bittersweet knowing I’ll miss out on a lot of that, at least for now.

Second, seeing these happy partnerships made me think of you. I know you’ve felt similarly when hearing about friends moving in together or starting families. I felt that today too—a little ache, a reminder of what could have been or what might still be.

Still, I’m grateful for what I have. I get to build relationships with new friends, like (hopefully) babysitting Zena and Karim’s baby soon. I’m excited to celebrate their baby shower with them (and you) and thankful to be included in their lives.

And I’m grateful for you. Despite the pain we’ve been through, I’ll always cherish the incredible moments of joy we’ve shared. I’m hopeful for more of those—if I’m lucky enough to get the chance.

apartment hunting w/you

a fav memory of mine

It hit me today that one of the only two Partiful events I’ve ever hosted was with you—our Ocean Beach party last year. It’s wild to think it’s been over a year.

That night still feels vivid. We made so many great memories, but my favorite photo is this blurry one of us facing away from the camera. Something about it feels wholesome—cozy, even. Our friends were there, and we were just happy to be together. Maybe I’ll share more of the photos from that night someday.

I wish we could host another event. I know we’d make it just as special. I'd like to host more tech events, soon, partly because I think you'd get to make more of the cool friends that you want. I really want you to have a great group of friends that you can enjoy the same life goals with.

I do miss our adventures. It feels like we only scratched the surface of what we could create and experience together. But I’m glad to see you chasing big adventures of your own—sailing, NYC, and all the unplanned joys that I know life will bring your way.

ob together

It made me really warm inside to see how much you enjoyed the Butter Chicken Masala I made yesterday. I was honestly putting in so much effort to make sure it was as good as the Shahi Chicken I brought before. I thought I might not be able to top that, but somehow, you liked the butter chicken even more. Each meal is teaching me a bit more about what you like—spice level, flavors, the way you like your meat.

I actually love that Avani has been trying the food too. I hope she’s enjoyed it at least a little. That’s part of the reason I always make extra, so you can share with your roomies and friends if you want. The other reason is because your mom always sends you home with plenty, and I want to do the same for you.

Hearing you cry last night broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to hold you, to console you. I would have run through a brick wall for you if I knew which wall to go through.

I didn’t know what to say except that I care about you and want you to be happy. And I mean that—I'll do anything for you. As long as I get to be in your life, I’ll keep fighting for you, being kind, and doing everything I can to make you happy, even if I don’t always get it right (like last night, I guess).

You are way more than a situationship to me.

I'm really sorry to hear how stressed your dad (and family) probably are. Between their worry over home projects, your brother, and you, that must be a lot. It says a lot about you that despite the pressures you're still under with being "married off" that you also continue to be so supportive and loving to your family, such as paying $15,000 just to help with the backyard project! Your dedication and love is so inspiring. I am amazed and continue to learn from it.

It was really good to see you. I didn’t mean to keep you up late on a work night. I selfishly wanted more time with you and assumed you were enjoying it too. I didn’t realize you were feeling stressed about work stuff. If I’d known, I’d have happily worked alongside you or left so you could focus. You and your work are always a priority for me.

I hope that someday you'll lean on me for support, too. I want to be there for you, and I'm learning more and more about how to be a good support system for you. I don't know what the future holds for you with family, work, love, or anything else, but I am here for you. And if there's anything I can do to help, I am here for you, even if it's just to listen.

I will do everything in my power to remind you that you are loved and you are not alone.

the aromas

the gravy

chicken marinade

gravy with chicken & marinade

good morning

your 1:1 with Sid

I wonder if we’ll ever play video games together again. I miss those sessions with you—Breath of the Wild was unforgettable. Playing with you felt like a genuine escape, one where we both got to be in sync, sharing every victory and figuring things out together. It made time feel different, like we were on the same wavelength.

There’s something special about gaming that’s different from just watching TV. It brought out so much laughter, cheering, and sometimes even friendly competition. And yeah, with Mario Kart, maybe “helping each other” wasn’t exactly it—haha. But even then, we were fully present, talking, laughing, and just… being together.

You mentioned you haven’t touched the Switch in a while, and I get it—you’re diving back into reading, and I love that for you. It makes me want to pick up more books, too. Seeing you explore new things or reconnect with old ones has always been something I admire. You dive into everything with such curiosity, whether it’s gaming, reading, or even the time you tried out Cursor on your own to build some frontend code. I loved seeing that spark.

All these activities—games, books, tech—remind me of how you’re always down to explore and try something new. There’s really nothing you won’t get your hands on, and I love that about you.

I hope today’s a good one for you.

playing switch in kabuki

i said something silly?

In my last post, I really downplayed how much I loved Sunday with you. Honestly, I was just grateful to even make your list. I don’t mind being at the bottom. I didn’t know if I’d ever get to be on any list of yours or have a moment like that with you again. I still don’t expect anything more, but I’m thankful it happened.

Before you invited me to stay for dinner, I was already happy just getting to help behind the scenes, making sure you and your friends would have a great night. When you invited me to stay, though, I was thrilled.

Anyway, I won’t go on about Sunday any longer…

This morning at the gym, I saw someone with the same teal climbing harness as yours. It brought back every memory of climbing with you. I thought about the good conversations, how we’d admire other climbers, and debate if we’d tackle the hardest climb in sight.

It hit me today that you’re the only partner I’ve ever developed a hobby with. Even considering my friends that I've developed hobbies with, that’s rare. We’re usually independent, doing our own things.

But with you, I felt like I’d found someone I enjoyed being around that much. Exploring something so challenging together takes vulnerability since you’re both figuring out your weaknesses in front of each other, stumbling and trying to gain confidence as you go.

My perspective on spending time with a partner has changed a lot this year…

I notice many couples don’t want to share hobbies, maybe because they don’t want to spend that much time together. People, especially young ones, guard their independence.

Just recently, someone told me they’d “never go to the gym with a partner.” They said they wanted to keep things separate. I get that, but I love the idea of doing everything with my partner. Of course, you came to mind—us going to the gym together was one of the best things I’ve done. I’m pretty convinced now that when I commit to a life partner, it’s because I want to do all of life together. What else is marriage for?

I’m rambling. Seeing that harness brought all this back. You’re always on my mind, and I’m okay with that.

All I want for Christmas is Costco and you.

you enjoyed this route

your back muscles popping

Remember the day we took your skateboard out for the first time? That was a fun day.

That day sticks out in my head as a core memory of ours. It was so fun to see you try something new, and I was excited that I got to be there to support you.

For some reason I was thinking about that day this week. And I badly wish I had photos or video from that day. Like I said before, it motivates me to make sure I'm always capturing our time together more.

Spending the day with you yesterday might be another one of those core memories. Honestly, I think Costco shopping might've been my favorite part. It was so fun bopping around, looking at random stuff and talking. I appreciated you feeding me the samples as we walked by them. 😋

That friend group from CZ is really cool. I like them, and I'm glad you keep up this tradition with them.

Thank you so much for letting me tag along for the evening. I had a great time, and I hope you did, too.

PS: The rain this morning makes me wish I was cuddled up with you.

thanksgiving car ride

Costco shopping with you ❤️

our obsessive table setup

prepping in the kitchen

hallway chatter

rain the morning after

I'm at Equator Coffee again, which I still try to come to most Saturday mornings. It's always a mix of bliss and self-torture as I inevitably meditate on you while I'm here. I'm super in my feels today. This place is even more popular than when we met here, and I still glance at every person that walks in hoping it's you.

Today is extra torturous because I decided to do something I haven't done since we dated. I decided to read through the scrapbook you made me. Like you, I sometimes torture myself by looking old photos of us together. But this is pretty next level because what you created & documented is so incredibly special.

I've kept this scrapbook in the nightstand next to my bedside, but I've been scared to even open that drawer all year because I knew it would be too hard to look at. But today, I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

I need to thank you for this. It's so thoughtful and beautiful, and I'm so grateful for the time and effort you put into it. I've read through it a few times now, and each time I do, I fall a little more in love with you and the memories we've created. It reminds me of all the love we've had for each other, and the moments we shared it outwardly with each other. It's also a small reminder of how important it is to make sure I take pictures of you, any chance I get.

I'm so glad I have this scrapbook, no matter how much it hurts and no matter what happens. I know I've caused you a world of hurt, but I remain so confident that we can heal together and create new memories if we wanted to. Enough memories to overcome all of it and stop the pain.

I added way too many photos to this post because I can't choose among all the entries in the scrapbook that I love so much.

I'm not gonna stop fighting to give you more of the memories you deserve. No matter what, you will always be someone so deeply special to me. (you wrote that to me at the end of the scrapbook)

today

i love this intro

a special night for me

i love your entry here

always family planning

i want to comfort you again

i still believe in you

i would still do anything

i prefer working with you

you deserve even more

we needed more staycations

the last entry

I've spent a long time contemplating why our connection is the way it is, particularly when we're in person together. I think there's a myriad of reasons, but lately I've been thinking about the feeling it produces.

Maybe this is just me, but when we're together I feel like we reach some sort of mutual flow state. We're ourselves, we have a good time, etc—all the things you'd expect from a good friendship. But still something about the way we are together feels different than any other friendship I've had.

We lose track of time, and we're very generative—ie we seem to always be reaching for new ideas together. For example, when we talked about startups or books or life goals, sometimes our minds seem to work better together. We go faster and gain conviction faster (or at least I do).

I started researching if there are terms for a "mutual flow state" between two people, and I found this concept of dyadic flow. It's when two people are so in sync that they create a sort of bubble where they lose track of time and have a mutual influence on each other's emotions and experiences. It describes a sort of transcendence of individual experiences to a shared, elevated state. This sense of connection and "oneness" in the interaction supposedly enhances trust and safety in the relationship.

Dyadic flow can be seen in romantic relationships, but not always. It's usually found in mother-infant bonds, and it's apparently super important for emotional regulation and personal growth. It's even used in therapy somehow? Not sure how that works because I didn't read enough into it.

Anyway, I think we experience dyadic flow when we're together, even in our messier times. I think if we didn't have that we might not have made it this far. Whatever that feeling I'm trying to describe really is, I'll always be grateful for it.

Even signing the bill...

...we were in dyadic flow.

If you’re reading this, it’s likely your first time discovering this memoir I’ve been writing to you for a long time.

There’s no response needed, no question asked, and no expectation attached to these posts. This is simply a quiet way for me to let you know I’m here, always.

Not seeing or talking to you in recent months has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Writing to you keeps me connected to you, even if you're not part of my life any more.

If you ever wonder what’s on my mind about you, you’ll find it here—no need to ask. In fact, I kind of hope you don’t respond to this memoir. I want to be able to just keep writing to you.

I hope as you read, it feels like love and support, in whatever form you need. There’s a mix of lighthearted moments and deeper thoughts in these pages. My only wish is that it brings you a bit of reflection, positivity, and inspiration.

Because that’s what you give me.

This morning.

Loved cooking Shahi for you!

My favorite part of the week has become feeding you. Today is one of those days I hopefully get to do it again.

I have to temper myself after I see you because I get too excited by your presence. I think I’m probably still not giving you enough space, but I’m trying my best.

I want to cook for you every week, forever. It brings me joy to see you light up when you’re hungry and have good food given to you. I’m sorry it took so long for me to get it through my thick skull how important food is to you. It is seared into my brain now.

I've been cooking so much lately that I feel it deeply as a way to express love to you, and to others in my life now. I'm grateful that you've taught me this.

I swear, I will never let you go without a cooked meal from me again, so long as I’m near you and you’ll accept it.

Our date at Nari

I miss plotting world domination with you. We used to spend hours talking about the future, politics, technology, and more. It felt like we were always on the same wavelength.

Even when we disagreed, I always felt like I learned something from you. You have a way of looking at the world that I find incredibly valuable. For example, you were also very passionate about Palestine in this most recent flurry of conflict. I was a bit ambivalent, which probably made me come off as apathetic, but you on the other hand were very clearly against the Israeli aggression. I respected the hell out of your conviction and the way you'd get riled up about it. Since then it's caused me to be a lot more empathetic to Palestinian suffering.

It's election day, and I know you largely put your political ambitious behind you. But I think you could seriously make a difference someday if you were to ever run for office. I'd vote for you in a heartbeat.

Gymming with you.

You offered to angel investor in Recess, today. 🥹

Regardless of whether you do it or not, just the fact that you considered it means a lot to me. To think you'd consider investing in me (and the company) makes me so happy.

I know you said writing an angel check is one of your goals for this year. I'd love to help you make it happen, even if it's not with Recess!

I know how much you want to make an impact in the world, and I know you'll find a way. I'm so proud of you. You always blow me away with your ambition and goals. And this little moment was no exception.

Agh, you're the best.

PS: I await your feedback on the deck. I bet it'll be good.

I’m talking about the way you see a life partnership. No one else shares your excitement for building a family, your eagerness to share nearly every part of life with a partner. Your vision for a relationship is exactly what I want.

I’ve never met anyone who dreams of life together the way you do. I honestly can’t imagine finding someone who would want that with the same passion and determination. Not the way you want it, at least.

Over dinner with my dad tonight, I tried to explain just one of the many reasons why you’re so special. So many people our age aren’t sure what they want out of life – they may never see the joy that a family could bring them, and by the time they do, it might be too late. I think it’s because they’ve never experienced love the way we have, or had the kind of family bonds you and I grew up with. They don’t know the deep warmth of that vision.

But you’ve had this dream since you were a child, and so have I. I can’t imagine life any other way. I know both of our kids will feel loved and supported in every way.

One of the greatest gifts in the world would be seeing you as a mother. I just know you’ll be incredible at it.

Always working hard toward your goals.

We tried twice, so why would a third time be any different? Your question stays with me, and I know it might always be there.

I haven’t been able to come up with a perfect answer or proof of why it would be different – because it’s something I could only show in time. I know I had my chance to be that person for you, and I fell short. But I believe that people can change. Not always, but they can.

I've had a lot of time to work on myself over the last 6 months of our friendship.

Since we parted, I’ve put so much thought into what a good relationship truly means. I’ve started talking to friends in strong, loving relationships, learning from people who’ve built something lasting. And I’ve stopped looking to friends & family that don’t align with that. For so long, I heeded the advice of those that don't have healthy relationships. Even my dad, who I've watched stop fighting for my mom, has no longer been a role model for me in that regard.

I know that to truly love someone is to commit – to be all in, irrespective of the odds, and to show up for them no matter the sacrifice.

You’re my best friend and the most cherished person in my life, and I would do anything for you. So being here for you, even if only as a friend, isn’t a sacrifice. It’s simply the only option in my mind, so long as you'll have me.

I think about you every single day. I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, thinking of you. You’re always on my mind, no matter what I’m doing, and each memory of us brings both comfort and longing.

When I’m out with friends or on new adventures, it’s partly to manage how much I miss you. But every new experience still makes me think of you. Like the rose I found in Napa Valley (pictured below) – it made me think of how much you love flowers. Now, every flower I see feels like it’s yours, like they somehow belong to you.

Time doesn’t make these feelings fade, if anything, it only deepens them. Because you’re unlike anyone else. I truly love you and long for you more than anyone else in my life.

Every flower I see is yours, now.

You told me recently that you're going to NYC in November. I'm so excited for you!

I think there's a decent chance you come away wanting to move there. New York is magical, and I know you'll have a great time.

When you told me you're going, part of me was also sad because I badly wanted to go with you. I badly want to be there for the look on your face when you discover the city again. From your time there as a kid to your Quora days, you've always had some part of you that longed to be there.

I'm considering buying you tickets to the Sleep No More Macbeth adaptation. It's one of the most incredible NYC experiences I've had, and I want you to have that, too.

I'm glad I got to see you last night and that I could feed you dinner. You mentioned that it made you a bit sad to receive it and that your friends don't like me. I'm so sorry you didn't get that from me when we dated and that your friends disapprove of someone you care about. I know it makes you feel sad and like a fool that you continue to put up with me. I promise to NEVER give you a reason to feel that way again.

I just wish you could know how much I care about you and want you to be happy. I will always be here for you, no matter what.

Also, happy halloween. 🎃

We traveled well together.

I wish I had taken a photo of that movie session in the basement together. I can't find one, though, so I guess it's left to memory.

I remember tearing up while holding your hand during the climax of the movie. You know, the part where Cooper is catching up on the decades of video Murphy and Tom sent to him. I remember how you were so excited to see the movie.

I know that everytime I watch that movie now I'm going to think of you. Those emotional scenes where Cooper is realizing the totality of the family that he left behind will always remind me of you in some way.

I also remember that you mentioned to me the re-release coming out! I believe that's on Dec 6th. I'm going to try to buy tickets for us, if I can get my hands on them. I don't know if you'll want to go with me, still, but I'll ask you.

I once told you that my next post would be of you and I, and i still mean it. I’m waiting for the day i can post this next, and I refuse to post anything else until we’re in a place where I can possible do that.

Maybe that seems silly, but I know how important this was to you. You waited for me to proudly share you with the world publicly. I want to do that for you. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to, but I'll wait forever if I have to.

What I would give to spend another Christmas with you...

Possibly our best photo together.

We went to the Agape Halloween party and spent the night together last night. It was one of the most wonderful and blissful nights I’ve had in a long time. I felt like I was transported somewhere else the entire night. I loved every moment with you.

Our night together was so wonderful and moved me so much that a song started running through me. I recorded it on my new keyboard today.

The song is about how you make me feel, and more specifically how I felt laying next to you last night. It underscores how under all the pain & tenderness is still a deep love for each other. It's the comfort of being there, together.

I’m not sure what I’ll call the song yet—I’m thinking “her”.

Agape Halloween 2024.

I'm going to the Agape Halloween party tonight, and you & Avani are coming, which I'm so excited for! It's been on my mind all day. I've been obsessing over my costume cause I want you to like it. I bought Kind bars to make sure you & Avani have something to eat in case you get hungry. I'm also bringing a big bottle of water cause I know you like to stay hydrated.

I'm just trying to do everything I can to make sure you have a good time. I don't know if it's something you are excited about or dreading or indifferent to, but I'm so glad we get to see each other again.

I was thinking about last year's Agape Halloween party. There were lots of memories with you from that night, but one that stands out to me is when we went into that room on the 2nd floor and used to the brain wave color machine. You might not remember, but it basically projected color on a screen based on your brain waves.

Everyone sat down, closed their eyes, and focused on their breathing. I remember everyone else getting chaotic colors indicating their minds were racing, but not yours... You sat there with a calm, nearly blank screen. The guy running the machine seemed surprised and told you that you were the only one who had done that.

It was in that moment that I realized how strong your mind is. Your meditative mind, your will-power, your ability to focus. You exude all of those things so much that your physiology is different from everyone else's. It's so admirable.

Why are you so hot.

Sometimes, I forget we matched on Hinge because it genuinely feels like I’ve always known you forever and that we go back forever.

You're just one of the most important people in my life, and it's hard to image a world where we didn't cross paths. I can't imagine my San Francisco experience without you. Every part of this city is colored with memories of you.

Last night, I got to see you for the first time in a while. I was so unbelievably happy to see you. I'm not sure if I fully showed it or not because I was trying my best not to overwhelm you.

I'm just glad we got to hang out. I'm glad we can be friendly again and that I get to hear about your life. I'm fighting really hard to make sure you feel loved and cared for by me.

My commute this morning—thinking about you.

I wonder if we'll climb again or if we'll find a new hobby to try together!

Maybe we could play tennis together because I know you wanted to do that and played before! Maybe we could take cooking classes together (at the least I will be doing so in order to get better for you). Or maybe we could learn to surf together, although I don't think you'd like the cold water, so probably not that.

Honestly, I'd love to hear what you'd like to do next.

Halloween is coming up, and I'm planning to actually take initiative in dressing up this time. I'm going to the Agape Halloween party this weekend, so I've been thinking about some ideas. I had this idea to dress up as Jensen Huang from NVIDIA—gray wig, black-frame glasses, a black leather jacket, and holding an NVIDIA GPU. I think you'd appreciate the reference, or you'd hate it. Is it cultural appropriation? I don't know haha.

I like doing things with you.

Do you realize how badass you are?

I still think you're the most capable person I know. I am so long on Harini. Why are you badass?

Some reminders...

Your principles aren't just words; they guide your actions.
(ex. what you want in a partner)

You voice unpopular truths without hesitation.
(ex. talking to my dad)

You pursue goals with laser focus.
(ex. getting Sr. PM)

You feel others' pain as if it were your own.
(ex. your family's sacrifices)

Your work ethic puts most to shame.
(ex. working long hours)

Words flow effortlessly from your mind to paper and podium.
(ex. your Berkeley speech & Quora answers)

You see possibilities others miss.
(ex. your vision for banking)

Your arguments sway even the most stubborn minds.
(ex. your arguments for soulmates)

You outlast challenges that break others.
(ex. Enrique)

Chaos bends to your will.
(ex. managing huge projects)

You get interviews with YC on the first try.

You can recruit people to join your cause.
(ex. recruiting a co-founder in 1 week)

You constantly expand your comfort zone.
(ex. moving to SF)

You create the life you want.
(ex. finding the perfect apartment)

Deep down, you believe you can do anything.
(ex. start a company, be CPO, have a family)

You're hard on yourself, but it propels you forward.
(ex. YC rejection -> doubled down on Bluevine)

You dress well.
(ex. your ballet outfit and halloween costume)

You dream big.
(ex. your vision for banking)

You are beautiful outside and in.
(ex. your perfect smile and healthy skin)

Your friends look up to you.
(ex. your college friends talking about how ambitious you are)

I look up to you.

I'm pretty sure you can do anything.

Honestly, I'd vote for you over Kamala or Trump.

PS: The plant your mom got me is healthy & well.

The plant your mom got me is healthy & well.

I finally pulled together everything I’ve learned (including from that Indian cooking class I took last month) and made homemade biryani! It turned out so delicious, but there are a few things I know I can improve for next time.

First, I need to undercook the rice a bit because it gets too mushy when it bakes with the chicken. I also need to use fresh green chilies instead of canned, add more salt, and definitely use more saffron in the milk. Plus, I over-fried the onions—classic mistake of thinking they weren’t done and leaving them on too long.

But the chicken? By far the best I’ve ever made. Using chicken thighs helped, and slow-cooking it for an hour after a 24-hour marinade made a huge difference.

You’ll have to judge for yourself sometime. I’m sure it’s not up to your mom’s or Amari’s standards yet, but I’m confident I could get there with more practice.

Overall, I’d call it a success, but I’m going to keep refining it. Honestly, I liked this Hyderabadi biryani better than the Gobi Fry I made in class. I’m even sending photos to the head chef for feedback and more tips!

I’ll keep you updated on my progress!

Bought a mandolin to go faster.

Frying the onions.

Marinating chicken the night before.

Kitchen smells like these now. 🤤

Cooking the day after.

Final product—Biryani! 😋

I think about you every time I go here.

I come to Cafe RX every morning before work to get breakfast and get Ben a bagel because he has trouble making sure he eats. He just doesn't eat, so I literally feed him. I almost never miss a day, and so the staff (who have all been working here for 20 years) know me by name.

RX is hidden away in a cozy, quiet part of the Presidio. It's not a place you'd expect to find a cafe, and it's not fancy in any way. But the nature around you is beautiful, and the people who work here are so friendly.

I've always wanted to take you here, but for some reason never extended the invite.

Maybe if we ever do get coffee someday, it could be here. They have great parking!

My dream spot to get coffee with you.

That night you talked to my dad at Arcana changed me in ways I didn’t expect.

You and my dad dove deep into a discussion about his divorce, and I’ll admit, it caught me off guard. You asked him questions that no one else had, and you openly challenged some of his decisions. At first, it felt uncomfortable—almost like I was watching you confront my dad’s life choices in front of me, and I didn’t know how to react.

But after reflecting on that conversation, I understand it better now. You were expressing your deep convictions about marriage, and it was beautiful.

I’ve always known how strongly you feel about lifelong commitment, and your unwavering belief that divorce isn’t an option for you. I know that comes from the example set by your parents, and I admire that about you.

I’ve never taken divorce lightly either (I also don't see it as an option), yet seeing you stand so firmly in your convictions inspired me even more. In that moment talking to my dad, I thought you were being a bit too idealistic. But now, I see your perspective differently. The dedication you have, even in the face of adversity with a partner, is exactly what’s needed to go the distance in a lifelong relationship. There are so few people who hold marriage in the same regard as you do, and I realize how much that matters.

Divorce is not an option for me, ever. And I will fight like hell to keep strong with my wife no matter what. That's what marriage is, and if anyone tries to persuade me otherwise, I will fight them on it, just as I've already done with my friends these past months. The energy I bring to any relationship I have is what matters most. So I will choose to bring the energy of unconditional love, just like the love you bring to your family, that your parents have for each other, and that you maybe once had for me.

You've even changed how I think about my own parents’ situation. For a long time, I stayed neutral with respect to whether they get back together or not, but now, I feel more strongly about encouraging them to fight for what they’ve built together. I’ve seen their love firsthand, and while things might never work out for them, I believe that love I saw is worth the fight.

In a similar way, I’m learning to fight for what we have, too.

You and my dad talking while I order wine.

You’ve always dressed so well, and I didn’t work very hard before to keep up. So I’m changing that.

I recently went on a major shopping spree to step up my wardrobe. I went all out and bought a bunch of nice shirts & sweaters from Uniqlo. I also bought new shoes—more Chelsea boots and even some new sneakers that Zendaya (the actress) helped design. I bought a new jacket that I love and is actually warm. (almost too warm)

And get this... I even bought ACTUAL pants! You always commented on my lack of good pants, and I finally listened and acted on it. I went to a few different places in the city and just couldn't find anything I liked. Finally, I walked into a Bonobos for the first time, and wow—I had no clue they custom fit pants for you. The whole experience was so cool. A staff member gives you one-on-one attention and helps you pick out the perfect clothes. I got some awesome blue pants, green pants, and I plan to buy more.

Anyway, I'm trying to step up my wardrobe. I plan to continue investing in it. I hope that if I ever get to hangout with you again that you'll be slightly more proud to be seen in public with me. (not that you weren't before)

PS: I would share a photo but it feels a bit self-aggrandizing, so I'll save that for in-person. Besides, I have to leave at least something to the imagination, right?

I heard Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan today, and it immediately reminded me of you. For some reason I remember thinking I made you feel like I didn’t like the song, but I actually thought it was great. And now I’ve warmed up to it even more.

Thank you for always showing me new stuff that excites you. You’ve introduced me to so many new perspectives and ideas across many areas of life. Now here I am listening to the song on my own Spotify. I'm glad you introduced me to it.

Also, today was really tough because last night I think flopped my conversation with you. I was a little too forward when answering your question, and I'm positive it overwhelmed you.

We were going to meet for coffee, but now that isn't happening anymore. Nonetheless, I'm not deterred. I maintain that I'm never going to make you choose between our friendship and something else ever again. I don't know how I'll prove that to you except to just continue being here for you no matter what.

I'm sorry for not being more chill yesterday. I'm learning, and I'll keep learning. I'll do better next time.

Listening to Pink Pony Club makes me think of you.

Have you heard of the concept of fast and slow thinking? Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow talks about two systems:
• Fast: Intuitive, automatic, effortless
• Slow: Deliberate, analytical, and effortful

I’m definitely more of a slow thinker. I’m not usually the quickest to understand complex situations right away, but given time, I often go further than others.

(This ties back to you—bear with me.)

Ben has told me more than once that I’m one of the best slow thinkers he knows, and it’s one of the reasons he wanted to co-found with me. My ideas might not be great at first, but over time, they evolve and become more refined. I tend to develop deeper insights, and eventually, I can condense a lot of complexity into a clear, concise understanding. With that clarity, my confidence and decisiveness follow.

That said… I realize today that my slow thinking probably hurt you. It took me longer than it should have to fully grasp what family means to you and what you needed from me. But I did get there, eventually. That’s something I’ve grown to fully understand now.

I believe I have a unique ability to grow and adapt more than most people are able to, and I’m willing to work extremely hard to become a better version of myself. I’ve reinvented myself multiple times throughout my life. But for the first time, I’m doing it for someone else—for you. You’re the first person I’ve ever wanted to change for.

Last night, I attended Xiao's Tea & Live Music party. I saw you marked Maybe on the Partiful invite (we both did), and I thought you might show up.

To be honest, half the reason I went tonight was to get my Hydroflask back, and I finally did. When I got there, I had a rush of emotions as I recalled the memories of our post-Ocean beach night at Xiao's place. It's still one of my favorite memories with you.

Now I have the Hydroflask in my posession and the Lego flowers on my desk. It feels like I'm slowly piecing together all the things you've given me—the things that I should have cherished more.

Going forward I plan to treat the gifts you give me with more care and attention. And in return, I hope to give you more gifts & surprises, too.

I retrieved the Hydroflask you got me.

Right now is one of the most stressful days with Recess I've had in a while. Things are fine and the details of today aren't the focus of this post. However, I find myself in this moment wishing I could text or call you. I want to tell you about my day, ask how your day is going, and just talk.

I know in the past I let my stress get to me and affect us. I let it put a gap between us and made you feel like priority #2. But I truly have altered that for good. I'm stopping to write this in the middle of the chaos today. You're worth the priority and the time.

Even though I don't have the privelege of talking with you these days, I'm still trying my best to stop and make time for you. I love what we're doing at Recess, but in the grand scheme of things, I would much rather spend my time writing to you, or even better, with you.

You replied to my text, and it seems like you might be having a stressful week yourself. I hope you're doing ok and that you're able to get some rest. I'm here for you in spirit and thought.

Every time I see a white Tesla on the road, I think of you. I always double-take to see if it's a Model 3, then I look more closely to see if the seats are white, and then once it's close enough I look for you. Unfortunately, I've yet to find that last one.

The same has been happening with Rivians. I see them on the road, and I always think of you. I know how much you love them. Heck, I love them, too!

Now I want a Rivian. Today, I went online to configure one for the first time. If I bought one, you could drive it any time. Heck, I'd even swap with Nessie and let you take the truck. You might not swap it back because you'll like the Rivian so much, but I'd be ok with that. I would take good care of Nessie.

Also, I miss chauffeuring you around.

PS: Short post today because I'm sick and struggling to do much right now. But I look forward to writing to you every day. So this is a nice way to end my day.

You may recall that I once wrote this in a notebook I bought for you: “And then there is the most dangerous risk of all -- the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.”

I wrote that quote down for you because you are one of the most capable people I know. I truly believe in you more than anyone else.

These days, when reading the quote for myself, I see it a bit differently: “And then there is the most dangerous risk of all -- the risk of spending my life not being there for Harini ...”

It would be a disservice to the world not to support you. You are genuinely one of the smartest people I know, with capabilities that surpass mine and those of almost everyone else in my circle. Whether as an entrepreneur, a mom, or whichever role you choose, you deserve someone who will remind you of your incredible potential every single day. And I don't want to risk not being that person for you.

Long PS: This weekend, I made some new friends and we cooked together for others. I'm really making an effort to be a better cook. I still need to make the Biryani, and the only reason I haven't yet is because I don't want to do it alone. But I have a feeling it'll be a while before I get the chance to cook with you, again, if ever. So I will make it soon!

Making sandwiches for fleet week with friends.

It's been 3 weeks to the day since we last texted and 5 weeks since we last saw each other. This evening, I decided to reach out to you.

I've had a lot of time to think and mellow out. Even though I feel the same way about you now as I did before, I feel more level-headed and confident that I will put your feelings first, no matter what.

My intentions for meeting up are simply to reconnect. I have no expectations for anything else. I will be open with you about how I feel, but I won't put any pressure on you to feel the same way. And I won't go running off if you don't.

I have no clue if you'll be open to seeing me again. Frankly, I wouldn't blame you if you weren't. I'm prepared for the worst, but I'm also hopeful for the best.

I've been making a lot of progress on my own life, including making a lot of new friends, going to events, and pushing myself to do new things.

I do feel I'm becoming healthier as a person, and a part of me is happy at the idea that you're also probably experiencing that same growth.

Of course, I still do wish you were the one I get to do this with. I still think about you every day, and even though we haven't talked in a while, I still feel like you're my best friend.

Wishing you lots of love, Harini. I hope to hear from you soon.

Sights like this remind me how much we both love SF.

I always told you I don't believe in soulmates. Well, I'm starting to come around to the idea, or at least a version of it.

There was a time when I was little that I had this deep feeling in my gut that I'd meet my forever person and that I'd know it. In childhood, when I had crushes on people, I would (no joke) pray to God asking for signs that they were the one. I've always been a romantic, and when I was religious, I was even more open to the idea of soulmates.

Over the years, I've had relationships that made me feel like I was on the right track, but at the end of the day they were still missing something. I've always been holding out for a differnet feeling to be there—a feeling of ultimate compatibility and connection, and the feeling that I would be willing to do anything for them. I've always said I would rather be alone than settle for anything less than what I knew was possible in my heart. And you showed me that I was right to do that.

As I've said before in this memoir, I don't presuppose what the future will hold, but I guess all I'm trying to say is that I feel like I have a bit of Singha Roy in me.

The way I see it is that you can decide to make someone your soulmate. You create the feeling of the feeling of being soulmates the same way you create a best friend—through consistent effort and investment over time. And by treating the other person like they are your soulmate.

I'm reminded of a quote from The Good Place: "If soulmates do exist, they’re not found—they’re made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship."

I hope both of us give ourselves the chance to create soulmates in life, whoever they may be.

The to harini postcards arrived!

This time I’ve not been going on dates or on Hinge. I know my feelings for you, and they haven't changed.

I fully expect you have been going on dates, though, and I genuinely hope you’ve had some lovely ones. In fact, I'm finally at a place where I genuinely just want you to be happy more than anything else. I will celebrate the day that I find out you've found someone who makes you happy.

I guess I haven’t been going on dates because last time we took a break I did go on a date. I thought it was ok and that I should explore while you were doing the same. But really I was coping because I was hurting and couldn't handle the space. I'm not repeating that mistake again, though. I'm not going to fill the void with someone else.

Even now, though, when I know it’s likely that you’ve moved on for good —I just don’t feel the need to explore. I know how I feel, and I know what I want. It likely won’t turn out to be the same thing you want, but I’m ok with that. I’ve resolved that this is an acceptable fate.

At the same time, I can see looking back on this phase 20 years from now and laughing it off. Having to go through everything we've been through could seem entirely worth it and even a foregone conclusion. You're worth it, you know?

PS: Check out the postcard designs I made for you. I ordered some prints of them, although I still don't know if I'll ever give you one. I'm still thinking about whether you should ever see this memoir. You might hate me when you find out about it.

to harini postcard designs

I was reading your Quora post on love, and I was struck your description.

One of the lines says that love is "giving up that last piece of fruit because watching your loved one eat something s/he loves gives you far greater pleasure than eating it yourself." It made me think back to how we would always fight to give the last bite to each other. I adored that about you, and I do resonate with your description of the moment.

I genuinely felt more pleasure watching you eat something, especially when I knew that you were still hungry, even if you said you were full.

I think reading this again made me realize how important all those small moments were for you. It made me realize that you cared more about me being consistent with calling you, giving you flowers, and feeding you, more than maybe anything else I could do for you.

I DO see the kind of love you desire and the love you received as a child. I genuinely want nothing more than for you to receive that same love for the rest of your life.

PS: I just learned that Tom Blomfield (the YC partner who's house I went to last weekend) started a bank called Monzo. You probably already know this, but I thought it was interesting because you've also wanted to start a bank!

Your Quora post on love.

Today, I went to a YC event with some friends. You would've LOVED it. In fact, I almost sent you the Partiful invite, but I wanted to respect the space between us right now.

It was at Tom Blomfield's house in Noe Valley, which is absolutely beautiful. It was 4 stories with a huge rooftop deck.

I got an invite to the Partiful event through James, and I proceeded to invite as many people as I could to it. Jayme Hoffman was there. Christian. Fanli. And some new friends, Akshaya and Liz.

It was such a blast. I met a lot of Thiel Fellows and Interact Fellows. Most of the people I met were super kind and down to talk about anything. There were a few people though that didn't have a great vibe. ...like a guy raving about Burning Man non-stop or a couple folks that were shitting on SF. One of them said something like, "I just think hot people should be seen by others, and in SF you're only seen by tech bros, which aren't real people. Where in SF am I supposed to dress sexy and get seen? I'm living in NYC, but I'm gonna move to LA. Well first I'm moving apartments in Manhattan to the Upper East Side to see if that's the problem."

Rich, hot founder problems, I guess?

Anyway, fun evening. I wish you were there. I think you would've hit it off with a lot of people there. If we ever get the chance, I'd like to go to one with you.

*One* of Tom Blomfield's living rooms.

I was just thinking about how much I feel my life priorities have shifted in the last year. (and even more so recently)

Most of my life, work and ambition has been priority #1 for me. You've seen this side of me, so I don't think I have to describe it in detail.

That's just not what I want most in life anymore. In fact, recently someone tried to tell me that I could use all this energy that I'm putting into thinking about you to put a chip on my shoulder, grind harder, and make Recess a $1B company over the next 5 years. I was disgusted at the suggestion and shrugged it off. I would much rather pour that energy into people I love, first.

I want a partner to pour my energy into, and I want to have a family. I want to provide for them and make them happy. I truly believe this is the most important thing in life. Nothing will come close to family. I feel that to my core.

Don't get me wrong, I will always keep pushing forward and working hard if I have the opportunity. But if push came to shove, I would drop everything for them. If anything, to make Recess successful, I don't believe I can live a life that isn't dedicated to others, first.

The world needs more people like you, Harini—someone who will do anything for the people they love.

Today, I went back through your old neighborhood in the outer sunset. This time I was there to surf—my first time!

It’s such a warm, beautiful day here. I bet you would love to go to the beach today. I hope you are, but I think this is one of the weekends you’re probably going home. So if anything you’re getting even hotter weather than me.

For the first time ever, I had to remove my bracelets, because I didn't want salt water to destroy them. They're special to me, and I didn't want to risk it.

Surfing itself was INCREDIBLE. Scott said he's taught about 50 people how to surf, and that apparently I am in the top 10% of people on their first day of surfing. I even stood up multiple times! Granted, he is an incredible teacher and surfer. He was so patient with me and made me feel comfortable at each step. I genuinely think you could get out there and surf with him, too.

After surfing, we got deep into life conversations. I asked about his love life and his business. He talked about his longterm relationship and getting married. He then asked about you, and I decided to open up to him about us.

I took the chance to tell him everything from the top. And I worked really hard to describe the hurtful things I did. I did not sugarcoat anything or make myself look better. I told it like it was with the utmost sympathy for you. At the end, he stood back and said, "Wow, this sounds like the beginning of the most incredible relationship."

I was struck by his response, to say the least. It's not what I expected to hear. He actually started trying to impress upon me how rare feeling this way is— that most people experience this 0, or maybe 1, or maybe 2 times in their life. And that it's so rare that you find someone that makes you feel this way.

I could not agree with him more. I feel so lucky to have found you, even if it doesn't work out like it could have.

Outer sunset will always remind me of you.

This is the most consistently I’ve written for anything outside work before.

I remember you saying you want to do the screenshot essays thing but struggled to stick to it. Similarly, I’ve wanted to be a better writer but just have never found the motivation to write before.

I learned that I can't write about what I think would be cool to write about. I have to write about what I actually care about. Well, I guess I found something I care enough about to literally write every day about.

I wish I could share this with you, but I’m not sure you should ever read this memoir. I haven’t decided whether I should show you yet.

Speaking of not showing you yet, I still smile when I think about your Quora posts. I think you're a great writer, and I hope someday I get to see you start publishing again.

This is still one of my favorite secrets about you.

There’s a memory with you I keep thinking about a lot lately. It happened on my 30th birthday, and I keep replaying it in my head.

It's that moment at the end of the whole day. You were the last one standing in my kitchen, and before you left, you gave me a soft kiss on the cheek at the end of the night.

You waited until you were the last one there, and it reminded me that you love me. It was one of the sweetest moments ever, and I’ll never forget it.

I remember vividly feeling a warm energy from you in the weeks surrounding my birthday. It almost felt like you had grown openly interested in me again. I have regretted every single day since for not responding in kind.

I would give so much to be able to even just text you throughout the day again, maybe even see you once a week to climb or something. When we had that consistency, I felt deep down like anything was possible for us.

Now, I have no idea what you’re thinking or how you feel. And it's not like I deserve to anymore. Call it my penance if you will.

I just hope you’re doing ok and happy and having fun making new friends.

PS: It’s been extremely warm lately—your favorite kind of day. I hope you’ve been able to get outside and enjoy it.

This needs no words.

I wonder if this space has been helpful or painful for you. I know I'm the one that asked for it and needed it, but I also know that I'm not the only one that's been affected by this. I wonder if maybe you've moved on and mostly flushed this from your mind. I wouldn't blame you if you did. So long as you're happy, I am content.

Not talking to you has been a difficult experience for me, but I'm thankful for the time apart to reflect on us and on my behavior. I still have the same feelings for you, but I feel more level-headed.

I fully realize now how absurd it was that I thought you’d just magically trust me again even though I didn’t do nearly enough to make you feel that I would act differently. I put you in the impossible position of choosing something you were absolutely not ready for and that you didn’t have enough evidence for.

Instead of spending the last 4 months pouting and wondering, I should’ve just loved on you and been patient. There was nothing stopping me from doing that.

Anyway, for some reason, I woke up today with the feeling that everything will be okay. This week has been crazy with Recess, and I've made lots of new friends. I think you'd like them a lot. (some of them are founders your age!)

I wonder when I'll see you next. I hope soon, but I'm also trying to be patient, so I'll keep waiting.

I hope you're doing well.

PS: I had to help a friend rush their dog to the vet last night because it ate an entire bar of Dandelion 80% dark chocolate. Somehow I ended up at the vet's office at midnight with a bunch of other founders. Only in SF haha.

My new friend, Cece.

As I write this in the quiet hours of the morning, I'm struck by a painful realization: each time I pulled away from you, I was acting out of fear - a fear so deep it made me sabotage the very thing I cherished most.

I've been grappling with why I behaved so uncharacteristically with you. The truth is, I've never felt for anyone what I felt for you. The intensity of it scared me, and instead of embracing it, I let my insecurities take the wheel.

Remember our first break-up? I was terrified of losing you because of family approval issues. Instead of facing it head-on, I retreated. You felt it, and we ended things. I was a coward, plain and simple.

The second time, my world was spinning. My parents' divorce left me feeling abandoned by family (this period was the first time in my life that I hadn't heard from them in weeks, despite calling & texting them), and suddenly, the stability I'd always known vanished. In my desperation for certainty, I pushed away the one person who could have been my rock - you. I overshared with friends who didn't even know you, as if talking about us would somehow make things more real, more stable. But in the end, my fear of losing you became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And recently? Learning about your date hit me like a tidal wave. The possibility of truly losing you became real, and I panicked. I gave you an impossible ultimatum, not because I wanted to control you, but because I was terrified of a future without you in it.

Looking back, I see a pattern. Each time, my fear of losing you led me to push you away. It's ironic and heartbreaking. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I ended up hurting us both.

I put my feelings first, convincing myself it was self-preservation. But in doing so, I neglected the most important thing - your feelings, your trust, your heart. I tried to protect myself from heartbreak by breaking your heart, and in the process, I broke my own.

I've asked myself countless times how I could have handled things differently. The answer, I've realized, is beautifully simple yet incredibly difficult to come to terms with: I should have put my energy into nurturing our relationship instead of protecting myself from imagined pain. If I had focused on making you feel secure, cherished, and loved, we both would have felt more stable.

I know these realizations probably come too late to change our story. But I hope that by sharing them, I can offer you some understanding, and perhaps closure. You deserved better than the uncertainty and pain I caused. You deserved someone who could love you without fear, and I'm sorry I couldn't be that person when it mattered most.

This experience has taught me a hard but invaluable lesson about love, trust, and the courage it takes to be vulnerable. I'll carry this lesson with me always, and I have you to thank for that. I hope that wherever life takes you, you find the happiness and love you so richly deserve. And I hope you know that, despite my mistakes, you were truly loved.

You know how all the cool climbers have their climbing shoes attached to their backpacks with carabiners?

Well, I figured why can't we be the cool kids?

I bought some carabiners, one of which I hope to give you someday, so you can carry your climbing shoes on your backpack like the cool kids. I know you don't always bring your backpack into the gym, but maybe this will be a good reason to.

I know how much you love climbing. I hope you've been able to do it with someone else, or if not, that we can do it together sometime.

I'll give you a carabiner when I see you next.

Carabiners. Hoping to give you one someday.

This is a completely coincidental text from Clark!

Today, he texted me this photo of a Lego flower bouqet that his longterm girlfriend of two years gave him.

I immediately fired back with the SAME EXACT photo of my own Lego flowers that you gifted me.

It actually made me pretty sad at first, but I just thought that was too cute and had to share it with him.

Completely coincidental text from Clark!

Today was incredible! I went to a private Indian cooking class at a chef's gorgeous mansion. I'm learning how to cook serious food for once instead of the basic chicken & rice I usually made you haha. I learned so much about Indian cuisine, how to make a variety of dishes, and got to eat some of the best Indian food I've ever had!

Good news! — I did just get way better at cooking chicken. The chef taught me that you can get even more moist chicken by using chicken thighs instead of breasts. And she taught me a better way to cook it so that it's not as dry and be cooked more slowly & evenly.

I also learned about a ton of Indian spices and even purchased a box of them from her. It has all of the spices we learned about in class. Apparently, with these spices, I can make the majority of Indian dishes. (or maybe she just said that so I'd buy them lol)

We talked a lot about the differences between North Indian and South Indian cuisine. I learned that most Indian food you can find in the US is North Indian. North Indian food is more wheat-based and uses lots of dairy, while South Indian food is more rice-based and uses lots of coconut milk.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I would learn to make Shahi Korma in this class, but I let everyone else in the class choose what they wanted to make first, so I ended up with the Gobi Fry recipe. I also closely observed how to make a variety of other dishes:
- Paneer Tikka (best I've ever had)
- Cucumber Raita (also F'ing good)
- Shahi Korma

Harini, this woman's house was absolutely gorgeous. It was a three-story house, very modern, with a kitchen like something you'd see on a cooking show. The house was filled with plants and beautiful art. It was honestly like a dream. Also, her husband happened to be the former head of product at Course Hero (an ed-tech company)!

I wish we could've gone to a class like this together. Everyone gets paired up with a partner, and you own making a whole dish with your partner. I would go back multiple times just to have a good time and get all the dishes down!

These days I've become quite dedicated to learning how to cook better (and dress better—a topic for another post maybe). I showed the chef my recipe for the Biryani I'm planning to make, and she thought it was pretty good. She suggested using shallots instead of red-onions. She also said Biryani is probably one of the hardest dishes that I could've chosen to make haha.

Final courses (mine is middle-right)

Paneer Tikka, everyone's favorite

My new spice box

Sautéing onions for Gobi Fry

Chef Meghna Agarwal

Susan, my cooking partner

Today is a particularly melancholic day. This is going to sound silly, but I think it’s the first time our iMessage thread has changed to a date format, “9/21/24”, because it’s been that long since we’ve texted, much less talked or seen each other.

I’m sitting at Equator Coffee, still coming here each Saturday @ 10am, with a small hope in my head that you’ll walk up any time just like you did the day I met you. Meanwhile, I’m reflecting on all the things in life I’m thankful for.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for—a good family, my health, the most wonderful friends, working on something I care deeply about, having economic stability, living in a beautiful place, etc. Frankly, I’m mostly living the dream I envisioned for myself years ago.

But as I keep reflecting on this dream life I'm living, there is no doubt that it's not the same without you present in it. Your warmth and companionship is something I deeply miss. Building this new life I have in SF, which is everything I wanted, has ultimately been painted over by your presence. In fact, in a lot of ways, I feel like I built this life with you.

Most of my experience in this new city has been with you in mind in some capacity. The decisions I’ve made have been entirely alongside you and even because of you—where I’m living, the career path I’ve chosen, the hobbies I have… If it weren’t for you, I don’t even know if I’d be doing what I’m doing. I’m not sure I’d be living in the Presidio or working on Recess.

There are several moments where you’ve encouraged and pushed me in ways that have continued to stick with me. For example, I recall a conversation we had at The Interval where you pushed me to keep following my heart to work on something with a real mission instead of settling for less, or the conversation we had after my 3-way phone call with James & Ben where you encouraged me to take the leap into Recess, or conversations about which apartment I was going to take, or you pushing me to try climbing... the list goes on.

But the most important impact you've had on me is what you've taught me about love and patience. You have truly set the bar for what I thought I should be as a partner to someone. I will never stop trying to live up to it.

You’ve talked before about how much of an impact I’ve had on your life, but when I put all of this into persective, I feel like it’s YOU that’s had an impact on me. I’ve taken all of these moments to heart, and I hope I can repay them somehow.

I owe you so much.

Your affect on my life will always be there, even if you aren’t, and I am eternally grateful to you for that.

I still go to the Equator every Saturday @ 10am.

They're officially vased on my desk now. You bought me these flowers a long time ago. I adored the fact you bought me Legos. It was so thoughtful and perfect. They've been sitting sideways on the bookshelf in our office for so long, and it's been a painful reminder of how much I hurt you.

I really wish I could give you flowers again. I know how important they are to you, and I know you waited so long for me to give them to you.

Anyway, I’m walking through the Pacific Overlook trail in the Presidio right now. I'm with Riley and her friends. I really wish you & I had walked over here together. I don’t know why we didn’t. It’s so beautiful, and I know there’s a zillion spots where you’d probably get inspired and stare out into the distance quietly. That’s one of my favorite moods of yours.

I’m reminded of that time during the new year where we sat at Immigrant Point Overlook. We discussed our goals with each other. I remember feeling so happy and inspired that we were doing that together. I'd never had that with a partner before.

I hope whoever you end up with, whether it’s with me or someone else, that you continually get to have that level of partnership and investment in each other.

I finally vased your flowers. They live on my desk.

I've been tinkering with Telugu again. I'm not trying to make it a grand gesture. Maybe this is just my way of processing things. I'm not sure.

It did cause me to reflect on the past, though...

Last time I was learning Telugu, I was in a very different headspace. I put pressure on myself to learn it "fast" because I thought I needed to show you how serious I am.

(classic Kaelin trying to rush things lol)

That was a toxic way to show up for you. I'm sorry. I know now that I don't need to rush things. For example, I can learn Telugu at my own pace. That would've worked for me and you probably would've been fine with that.

Also, it turns out I was more motivated by learning on my own than with a formal teacher. The homework and verbal tests twice a week was a bit much, which as a former homeschooler I was not great at handling.

I'm not jumping into lessons, but I am using the Ling app which is really easy. I'm also using AI. This way, I can learn at my own pace in a more interactive way.

Oh my GOD—I just got access to the new GPT-4o voice, and the FIRST THING I did was ask it to speak Telugu haha. It was incredible. This is GAME-changing. I seriously think I can actually learn a new language using this.

The holidays are coming up.

If you ever read this, you're probably going to wonder why I'm doing this. Why don't I just accept the way things are and move on? And besides, what would make things different?

My answer is that there's probably nothing I could say that would make you believe anything would be different, but I'll just say this...

Our post-breakup friendship showed me that we genuinely care about each other. It wasn’t just out of sex or convenience. We *actually* have the best time around each other, want to talk to each other constantly, and be each other’s best friend. That is the most special thing I’ve ever experienced, and I just don't want to give up on that.

I also learned that it was silly to not put you first just because I didn't feel secure. Our whole relationship I kept putting my commitment to you on your shoulders. I wanted you to say something that made me feel secure. I wanted you to tell me it was going to work out. I wanted you to tell me we’d get back together. That was fear and insecurity driving me and kept me focused on my feelings and protecting myself instead of being there for you in the ways you wanted me to be.

No more of that, though. Right now I feel like things are the most uncertain they've ever been. I don't even know if you'll still be friends with me ever again, much less anything else. Yet I still have it in me to do everything I can to be here for you.

Before, I was more scared of losing you than hurting you, and that resulted in me not showing up for you. It's also the reason I wasn't able to have difficult conversations with you.

Anyway, even if you don’t believe any of these words I’m saying right now, I hope you'll let me into your life a little bit. And if not, that's okay, too. I'll still be here for you.

One of my favorite outfits you wear.

I've decided to accelerate my Indian cooking education even more. I just signed up for an in-person Indian cooking class at the Crimson Kitchen. I'm excited to learn from real people and get better at cooking!

I think I get to choose which course I'm going to make during the class. If so, I'm going to choose to learn how to make Shahi Korma. "Chicken curry with hints of almond, saffron, cream and coriander seeds." This seems like something you'd probably love to eat on a cold evening. Haha.

I'm hoping this class will also help me learn how to make the Biryani better.

Also, this evening, my niece Riley (Cole's sister) arrives with two of her friends for a visit. They're going to a concert, so they're staying all week at my place, and I'm taking them on all kinds of adventures together.

I can't help but think back to the adventures we had with Cole. I wish you could hangout with us this week. I think you and Riley would both get along really well.

Apparently, Riley is very into climbing! I had no idea my family loved climbing so much, and yet it was YOU that introduced me to it.

PS: Today on X I defended ducks to a friend that thought they were lame.

Our first photo together.

I just acquired a little over half the spices I need to make the Biryani!

The other half I want to go to an Indian store for because I want them as authentic as possible. For example, I need chilli powder, but I read online that Kashmiri chili powder is what's typically used in Hyderabadi cuisines.

I also need Garam Masala, and technically you can find that on Amazon, but the ones I found just didn't look legit. I want to walk into an Indian store and find the real stuff. So my plan is to go to one this weekend to get the remaining items I need.

I will report back once I've acquired all the goods.

I bought some of the spices I need for the Biryani

Hope you've been sleeping well. I haven't been able to sleep much for several weeks now.

Last night, I had a strange dream about you...

We were on a beach with your mom near the cliffside, in what seemed like modern-day Italy. I left your side momentarily to grab some food for both of you.

Suddenly, a storm started brewing and I got separated from you for a while. In the dream, it felt like the storm might take us. I had to choose to either wait out the storm or find a way back to you immediately.

I eventually made my way back to you and your mom. The storm passed and we hugged intensley. Then you showed me the strangest thing, which probably won't make sense to you now.

During the storm, you started a business! — you opened a street bodega filled with your favorite food. You sourced the food locally. It was food which you hadn't found to be present anywhere else in the city. You somehow jumped on this business opportunity during the most dangerous time.

This morning I woke up and immediately thought, "I have to help Harini open her bodega!" And it was funny timing because last night the pot I ordered to make Indian food in arrived...

PS: You might appreciate the vibrant red.

I bought a Cast Iron Dutch Oven for the Biryani

Yesterday, I finally finished watching all 750 episodes of Naruto, and I am so thankful you introduced me to the show. I never told you this, but part of the reason I was so committed to finishing it was because I knew you liked it so much. I just want to like the same things you do as much as possible.

If I had to sum up the entire show into one word, it would be perseverance. Naruto is extremely dedicated to his dreams and his friends. It's inspired me to rethink how I show up for people.

His relentless optimism is focused outwardly. He cares more about others than himself. He's willing to do everything to achieve his dreams except fail his friends. If he has to choose, he will always sacrifice for those he loves. And he does it all even if others aren't there to see it.

It reminds me of how you show up for your family. I know you would do anything for them. Anything.

I'm sorry for all the times I was selfish and made you feel like you're 2nd place in my life. Thanks for showing me a better way, both through Naruto and through your actions. I hope to pay it forward.

"We don't need to fulfill our dreams ourselves. It's more important to cultivate those who will come after us and to whom we can entrust our dreams." – Hashirama Senju

PS: You have recommened many bangers to me which I'm grateful for... Halt and Catch Fire. Naruto. The Dropout (I should finish this)

One of my all-time fav photos of you.

Yesterday, I spent time watching videos on how to make Hyderabadi Biryani. It's hard to know what your favorite Biryani is without your mom's recipe, but I found one that I think will make your tummy happy. I thoroughly documented how I'm going to make it.

The amount of ingredients is unlike anything I've ever cooked! It's so exciting. I even ordered some new kitchen hardware just to aid in making this dish next weekend. I expect it'll take me several tries to perfect.

On another note, I just got back from my 2nd bouldering session with Karim. He reached out to me last week asking if I'd like to climb, partly to check-in on me and to befriend me. Of course, it's not the same as climbing with you, which I miss.

Karim asks how I'm doing and checks in on me each time we climb, probably because he knows you're on my mind. We also talk about his business because that seems to be on his mind a lot right now. His energy is very endearing, and I'm grateful for it.

Every now and then Zena and I text a bit. I told her (and Karim) to please be a good friend to you. Zena said she loves being around you and that you remind her of herself.

It would be cool if all four of us get to climb together again someday. That was such a great friend-group in the making.

One of the first moments I noticed how patient you are.

Harini, I’m sorry that I became more scared of losing you than hurting you.

I've made so much of this about me and how I feel, what I want, when I want it. In the process, I made you feel like you're 2nd place not only to my work but to my feelings.

This has been very uncharacteristic of me. If you asked my friends back home, they would not describe me as someone that would behave this way.

I don't want to win you back, and I don't expect you to forget about the past or change your mind about me. I just want you to know I still care about you.

Before, I didn't handle my strong feelings for you well. They made me act irrationally. Being crazy for you was a good thing, but I was focused more on myself instead of how you feel. At times, I was mean. That was selfish of me, and it hurt you greatly.

You deserve to feel like the most special person in the world and to not feel scared about what's going to happen next. I don't know what the future looks like, but I want you to know that I'll always be there for you.

I don't know if you'll ever read this. I'm just gonna keep writing to you here.

The first photo I ever took of you.